I love you. Forever and ever.

I spent three hours with a family today as they sat by their father/brother/boyfriend’s bedside, trying to accept the fact that he is dying right before their eyes. “Just last night he was sitting up, eating, and talking to us. Today he looks like he is only holding on by a thread.” These were the kinds of things they kept telling me, through tears, during the time that I was there. “I love you, Daddy. Forever,” his oldest daughter told him. I heard a barely audible voice say back, “I love you, too. Forever and ever.” As I stood there, my purpose being to offer emotional support to these hurting people, it was all I could do to just hold back the tears myself. I wondered to myself if I am in the right profession. How can I help these people if I am struggling to keep myself together?

This man’s girlfriend (yes, girlfriend. They both had lost their spouses and met each other soon after. They’ve been together for 10 years and it’s been a beautiful dance for them both) began reading to him from a small book that was sitting on his nightstand. “Believe in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved...” Again, that feeble voice spoke from the bed, “in the house.” He couldn’t get out everything he was trying to but after asking him to repeat himself a couple times, his family realized he was continuing the verse that had just been read to him. I opened the Bible App I have on my phone and searched for the verse they were reading. When I found it, I handed it to them showing them how they could read through the whole passage. They were so grateful and they continued reading to him. “I’m a born again believer all ready. What do I need this for?” That weak voice again. Everyone smiled. Including me. He thought his family was holding a church service in his room in order to “save him.” “I just want to go see my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I’m ready.” As I looked around the room, after he struggled through saying this, there was not a single dry eye but the sense of peace in the room was undeniable.

Towards the end of my time with the family, his girlfriend came to me and told me how appreciative she was of me giving them the Bible on my phone to read to him. She told me how sweet she thinks I am and thanked me over and over for being there. I asked her all about her relationship with Harry. How they met, what they liked to do together, how she was holding up. She talked and talked telling me story after story of their past ten years together. I was honored to hear her stories. And it was at that moment that I realized, yes, I am in the right profession. There’s nothing else I’d rather do than be a support to people through their pain.

On my way to school tonight, Justin McRoberts came on my ipod. (He’s a phenomenal Christian artist who used to come to my college each year. If you haven’t heard him, definitely check him out.) This particular song, “Done Living” really hit me after everything I had experienced today.

You see the question isn’t, “Are you gonna suffer anymore?” But, “ What will it have meant when you are through?” The question isn’t, “Are you gonna die?” You’re gonna die. “Will you be done living when you do?” So run til you cannot take a single step in strength. Then crawl on your hands and knees until your hands and knees they ache. When you cannot crawl, it will be Me you call to carry you back Home again.

Harry is done living. He’s run the good race, but he cannot take another step. He crawled and his hands and knees are achy. So now he’s ready. He’s asking his Savior to carry him Home….and I pray, with such peace, that He will soon.

A Heavy Heart

My heart is heavy today.  I was supposed to be working on a presentation I have to give in my Wednesday night class this week.  Instead, I am sitting, laptop open, with worship music playing in the background.  I can't seem to drag myself away from it.  I have always felt that God speaks to me the most through music and today is no different.  This week seems to have been filled with people sharing the struggles they are going through in their lives.  Some of it is just so heavy.  Friend's parents getting divorced after 30 years of marriage.  A dear friend's mother diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer - after losing her sister to suicide a few years ago - and a brother who is so incredibly verbally abusive that she can't even repeat the things he says to her.  A coworker's brother died of a sudden heart attack this week - 2 days before his wedding day.  

As I've sat here, thinking and praying for these people, the song, "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns came on my playlist.  Well, these people sure are going through some storms.  As I listened to these words, I wondered how it could be possible for people, in such pain, to praise God through it all. 

I was sure by now, God you would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day but once again I say, "Amen" and it's still raining. As the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you." And as Your mercy falls, I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.  I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands.  You are who You are no matter where I am. Every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand. You never left my side. Though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm. 

And then the tears started.  Right at the part that says, "I barely hear You whisper through the rain, 'I'm with you.'" THAT is what makes it possible to praise Him.  In such a broken, painful world...He never leaves us.  Sometimes, in the midst of such powerful storms, it's hard to hear His gentle whispers.  I am beyond grateful though, that He is there, gathering the tears.